


Dead friend's last letters

by Solrey



Series: Minsang Agenda [7]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Bad Boy Song Mingi, Character Death, Death Wish, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Not defined Relationship, Rich Boy Kang Yeosang, Secret Relationship, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Suicide Pact, Teenage Rebellion, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Threats of Violence, Violence, double suicide, escaping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:35:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25228420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solrey/pseuds/Solrey
Summary: Letters from a passed away boy who met, in his last months, another lost soul.No one understood him yet the person he least expected gave him what he had always desired.But modern fairy tales had no happy ending.(Inspired by Ateez Diary Film)
Relationships: Kang Yeosang/Song Mingi
Series: Minsang Agenda [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1668979
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	Dead friend's last letters

**Author's Note:**

> Two days in a row? Minsang yes. 
> 
> This is heavy. Like heavy heavy. Please be sure you are mentally capable of reading this, I won't judge you if you aren't.  
> This was inspired by two things. The film we got today and a conversation I had with another writiny who asked me after my mental health. I poured a lot of my own feelings into this, though the story itself is fiction, the feelings aren't. 
> 
> However, if you need help, please seek out for it.  
> In my case there is nothing left to do but for you, there is still time. Treatment is always around the corner, even if the treatment is just talking with your friends. True friends. 
> 
> Have the pain I held for ten years and have fun suffering while reading.

05.07.20XX

Page 1.

Dear Wooyoung,

When you hold this letter in your hand, you probably already know what happened and you probably assume I’m writing this to apologize, which in a way I am, but this is not the purpose of this letter. I hope you can understand my point of view better after reading this ~~because,~~ everything within this letter is the truth and I hope you can believe me.

Everything started shortly after winter break, do you remember the cold snowy day where you went home with San instead of me? That day, I saw him for the first day- saw him for who he is for the first time and not what we made him out to be. I can still remember how I had stood in all this snow while he stood not far from the school gates, leaning against a wall and eyes closed. Clothes ripped, blood dripping down his face and red colouring both his chest and his knee yet he seemed to ignore those complete.

I know what face you probably have now, but hear me out okay? This day left a lasting expression on me. He hadn’t noticed me but I noticed him, how could I not? Wherever he went seemed trouble not far but he never ran away from a fight and encountered them head-on. Brutal, yes. Whenever I saw one of our classmates with a black eye, I wondered why they had to fight but now, I understand why, even if I don’t support it.

But had anyone ever tried to understand him? I don’t think so. Which makes everything a lot sadder, doesn’t it? Especially since I’m no longer, and he isn’t either.

His beaten up from, the way his eyes would never mirror anything besides absolute indifference, how he was always listening to music because it was his only escape. Do you understand how it is to live like this? I don’t, yet I tried to understand him. Approached him that day when he was so beaten up and I’m pretty sure you remember the bruise I had on my wrist for a few days, where you thought my dad had been the reason for it. No Wooyoung, my dad hadn’t been the reason.

Song Mingi was.

And it was pain I was ready to tolerate. The way he had grabbed my wrist, thinking I was another person wanting to beat him up until he saw me and let me go, wanting to walk past me but almost collapsing against me. I held him up and told him I would help him. He pushed me away. I walked him to a park and at least cleaned the blood of him a bit. We didn’t say a single word, but there was nothing which needed to be said.

Mingi never said thank you, and he never gave me anything back for it but I knew whatever was between us had changed after that. He wasn’t ignoring me at school anymore. Previously I thought he was hating me because I had rich parents and he was basically the opposite of me. Which wasn’t the case. He was just so indifferent, he despised my happy nature. Do you know why?

Because he knew it wasn’t real. I can’t even remember when I had been last happy, yet I always pretended to be the good child, with good grades and awesome friends. Not once had anyone ever tried to see behind my mask.

Until Mingi came along. He saw straight through my lies.

After this day it almost became a frequent thing for him to wait outside of the school for me, why, don’t ask me but it was almost like a secret promise between us. All the days I pushed you to walk with San home? It’s true I wanted you to finally have your love returned, yet I used you for my own benefit.

I’m sorry for that.

Our meetings always went without a single word spoken. You probably ask yourself now ‘how did I never notice’ but I think you are forgetting that I’ve always been good at hiding what I really felt. With my parents and their controlling parent ship, it was almost a necessary to be good at lying.

The secret meetings went on for weeks, sometimes I stitched him up multiple times per week. I even bought medical stuff only to treat his wounds with more than water and tissues. Mingi stared at me most of the times, and I wasn’t sure of mistrust or if he just was genuinely interested in watching me work. But I wouldn’t push him to talk to me. What could I, Kang Yeosang, possibly understand what Song Mingi would tell me? The perfect boy against the bad boy?

It was at the end of February where he talked to me for the first time. Those words went deeper than anything I’ve ever heard until that day.

“Kang Yeosang, I hate you.”

If you want to know what happened after this, one of our friends has the second page.

06.07.20XX

Page 2

Dear Seonghwa,

When you read this, you might already know this is the second page of my letter, and if you don’t know this, please go and ask Wooyoung for the letter. But I believe he is smart enough to disclose this too all of you.

Where was I? Oh right. Mingi told me that he hated me.

Looking back at it, for outsiders it must have looked like I went insane but honestly? Those words meant more to me than anything else, went deeper than any other words said to me. Because Mingi meant them. There was none sugar-coating and no disgusting false promises. No, he said it because he had nothing to lose with me anyway.

I laughed at his words and told him that I didn’t hate him. It took him a couple of seconds before he laughed with me. I think I never felt more free. Laughing with Mingi was almost like a therapy. A therapy no one ever allowed me to have. 

We meet up more often after this, the park near the school somehow becoming our safety space and without really noticing it, became Mingi a normality in my life. I often wondered how it might look from the outside, how we would be viewed but deep inside of me I knew that I couldn’t care less. That I wanted to care less and less about everyone around me but Mingi.

You might say our relationship, whatever it was, was unhealthy but I can promise you it wasn’t. He didn’t threaten me and neither did he promise me anything for keeping him company. I stayed at his side because I wanted to. There was something deeper to my feelings towards him which I don’t want to explore and name, it’s better left unspoken. The only thing I knew was, that every minute with him made me more alive, gave me a kind of freedom nothing else in my life had ever achieved this.

Yet I know you will still see him as the bad guy, so let me tell you why he isn’t one.

07.07.20XX

Page 3

Dear Jongho,

I’m starting where left of. Let me tell you why Mingi was a light within all this darkness I was stuck in. I know it might be hard to understand, so I hope I can convey this right, just writing the first two pages where already so hard to fill but I’m not done yet, our story went on.

Our meetings, so secret all of you had no idea until now, became intimate. A kind of intimate you can only have with someone you trust on a very different level than any of your other friends. He saw me as someone I wanted to be, truly wanted to be, not what my parents tried to form me into. Mingi was more attentive than I had ever thought yet deep down I had always known that there was more to him than just is rough outer shell.

Could you believe me when I told you that Mingi was, no is up to this point, such a misunderstood person that just thinking about it now, while sitting in my room, makes me tear up?

Did you think Mingi really wanted to be the bad guy everyone made him? No, he didn’t, yet a rich school like ours always needs a blackened, why not use the child of normal people? Because rich kids like you and I never have to fear any consequences, but those few in our school without this protection? Do you see now how they might end up like?

Mingi is one of the sweetest person I’ve ever met.

At one point we laid side by side on a playground while clouds went by and I’m not sure why, but I told him everything. All my insecurities and my hatred, the things I could never vocalize because the perfect boy Kang Yeosang was too innocent to say such words.

He held my hand that evening. Holding onto tight.

I rambled about my parents choosing my future, how fucked up their way of raising me was and how I felt like a bird caged up. Told him how many times I had wanted to end everything, to escape my shallow and empty life.

He didn’t dry my tears nor told he me to keep going, no, he told me my feelings were valid. That my own feelings and preferences were valid enough to be expressed. Mingi gave me the headspace I needed to finally let go of my own painful thoughts and let them go, flow out of me without any hindrance.

I came home late that day. My eyes red and puffy. What did my parents thought had happened? That I was out and having fun with my friends, so much, that I had cried. How can parents be so selfish, not even asking their child why it had cried? Saying man don’t cry. A Kang shouldn’t cry.

Honest truth, I thought about killing them a couple of times. But I knew this wasn’t the solution, and do you know why?

Showing them their own failure through me would hurt them more than their own deaths.

08.07.20XX

Page 4

Dear San,

Apart from my own struggles I knew so well I wondered, did any of you ever notice my self-hatred? The death wish I had for years? None of you did. But I don’t blame you. Neither you nor my parents ever saw those cut wounds I inflicted on myself in places no one saw. No one knew when I hit my head against the wall in the depths of the night. No one saw the monster I was when I looked into the mirror, the person I apparently was becoming without my own knowledge.

At some point I couldn’t cry about those times anymore. Telling all of these burdens to Mingi was freeing and I knew he was the only one who understood- who actually listened.

So we went on with our secret meetings until mid-march where I first noticed that he waited for me more often without previously getting into fights. I know by then you guys had noticed I was distancing myself but none of you ever asked about it, thought it was part of my personality. It wasn’t.

When I met up with him at the park nowadays, he had a spark in his eyes which I couldn’t decipher but I honestly felt no need to. The spark only meant for me.

That day, he told me about himself for the first time.

Song Mingi, the strong rebellious bad boy our school was actually a scaredy cat, afraid of horror movies but a fan of animated movies. Frozen was his favourite. Whenever he tried to sing ‘Into The Unknown’ I had to laugh.

He also never learned how to fight or how to defend himself, it was all learning by doing. Mingi refused to tell how many serious injuries he had over the years but a few obvious scares could I see when I sat so close to him, when he allowed me to lift his shirt. His back full of those battle scars. Battles, he had to fight alone for almost an eternity.

But there was something, a thing he told me at the end of march, which stuck with me more than any of his previous words. Overshadowed any of his actions and touches directed at me. The sincerity of his words was so clear that it made burst out in tears.

He told me that before our summer holidays began, he would die. That he had decided to end if once and for all.

That was the first time he ever comforted me.

Crying against his chest made me realize even more what I was about to lose. That whatever we were was coming to an end and all I could do was to watch him until those last days would arrive.

And do you know what else he said?

He thanked me. He thanked me for trying to understand him when no one else tried to.

09.07.20XX

Page 5

Dear Yunho,

After he told me about his plans of dying, I thought about his words a lot. When we met I didn’t bring it up, not wanting to taint those last few months we had with each other like this. But the way we grew closer together almost seemed inevitable.

Until one night where I lied to my parents that I would stay at your house, when I actually went to his. And for the first time in my entire life did I feel how it felt to be loved. In a way of love none of you would ever understand but the way he held me, showed me things I had never knew before, showed me that I could have had when my life would have been normal.

It was the sweetest night of my life. Curling up against him and forgetting all of those problems around.

To scream and shout those things out and explore fields I had never even thought about before, but with Mingi it was so easy.

To feel kisses against the scars I hid so well, to get told true words without any backhanded intention behind them. The sweetest kind possible.

Waking up in his arms must have been the best morning in my entire life.

Yet, he was surprised when I told him that my decision was made. That I thought long and hard about everything, but that I was ready to leave everything behind.

That I wanted to die as well.

It was the first time we fought. Around mid-April I think. His parents? Long gone to work, leaving us behind arguing bitterly. But my resolve was made. I would die with or without him because if he was no longer, then there was nothing left for me. My life, as empty as it had been, was filled for a few months but a way out never came up.

I just him up by showing him that I wasn’t afraid of dying, cutting my skin right in front of him.

I knew it pained him and that he was probably thinking he had driven me into such a rash decision, but he hadn’t. Because my suicide attempts one and two were looked behind closed doors, away from praying eyes and chained up to not taint the Kang’s name. A Kang committing suicide? No, they couldn’t have that. But treatment was something I didn’t get either.

For my parents I was nothing more than a puppet.

He argued for a while. I knew he meant it well, told me with my future I could do whatever I wanted and I knew he truly believed it, had learned it from everyone around him that rich people bought whatever they wanted.

But telling him that I would never be free until I would end it myself opened his eyes. I reached him. And he agreed to us leaving the world together.

And somehow, it gave me a sense of security.

10.07.20XX

Page 6

Dear Hongjoong,

To you is my last page and I hope, especially you, that you can understand why I have chosen this way to leave this world. You have always been like a brother to me, took me under your wing and gave me stability after those many lows I had. And I’m deeply sorry for hurting you like this. You collected the pieces of my being more than once and put me back together, and I’m very grateful for that, still, there was no turning back from this.

At the beginning of May, Mingi and I had made a promise. We would live our best life for two more months and then end it the way we started this journey. Together.

And those two months were the best in my entire life. I began to sneak out at night to meet Mingi at the weirdest places. We walked at a riverside during a full moon, went to spray graffiti when no one looked at explored places I never existed in our city. It felt so freeing seeing all of these places for a last time.

I know that at the end of June Mingi and I were seen together for the first time, and you guys were seriously questioning my sanity. But at this point I could care anymore. Going on those little dates with the only person who had ever truly listened to you was not something I was ready to give up so close to our last day.

I spent more and more time at his place, at some point I even got to know his parents. They are really nice, good people. Keep an eye on them for us, okay?

It might be the time where I knew that those feelings I had some deeper meaning but after all what would bring me knowing this when there was no place for feelings in the afterlife, when I was no longer? When those knifes looked more inviting with each passing day.

And I know, when you read this letter, that you guys have put all of them together and are either angry at me or crying your hearts out, but please believe me when I say that this is okay. It’s what I wanted.

In this life, there is nothing left for me.

We already prepared everything we needed- pills and alcohol. I know it’s a pretty standard way of killing yourself, isn’t it? I might have ended myself in another way but I want to die with him in my arms, so we chose a way which he felt comfortable with using.

Don’t cry too much about me, okay? Wherever I am now, I’m at a better place. And I hope you can understand my reasoning at least a little.

Forgive him for being with me, but never forgive my parents for what they have done to me. Never forgive all those fake people pretending to like me even though all of them where after my money. Never forgive those who pushed Mingi to be a person who was so done with his life, that he felt indifferent about it.

And maybe we can meet in another life again under better circumstances.

Until then, take care. And everyone else, too.

Yeosang.


End file.
